Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Randomize
