My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
