Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Less talking, more tequila
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Randomize
