Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
