I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
