Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
