Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I can't put those talents on a resume
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
