We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
