Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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