I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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