Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
