i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
