I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
