I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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