I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
