Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
