Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
