Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
No subtext here. People are naked.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
