I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
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