Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
