i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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