I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Just cropdusted the office
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
