dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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