what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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