I've blown a few things in my day
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
