I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
You can't special order awesome
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
