Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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