I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
