cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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