After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Randomize
