i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
