i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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