I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
