Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
