Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
