I hate your face
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
