$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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