I just pynch a tree in the face
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
