I showed him my bush... on skype.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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