I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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