I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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