Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
