I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
