There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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