Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
