you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
