What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Randomize
