Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
