I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Bring me that man meat
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
