Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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