Already got asked if we're dating
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
