My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
